Photo credit: Onuora Onianwa

I don't understand some people in this life.

You go on social media to chant all kinds of antiphons in a bid to attract attention and perhaps, sympathy. But never at any point do you reveal the true side of the story because you know that the public support you get would wane. My friend was on your case for roughly eight months, did nearly everything a toaster would do for a woman he's toasting. He works, has a job that fetches him enough money to feed himself, and take care of his economic and extracurricular responsibilities.

He would take you on movie dates, Cold Stone dates; sometimes bear the cost of outings to which you invited your friends without prior notice. My friend would come back to us to lament his experience, particularly how you keep flashing him red and green lights at the same time. Truth be told, you're an attractive woman with endowments big and round enough to knock Mike Tyson out cold. You're well behaved too, at least to me. But for reasons best known to you, you decided to wile away time using my friend as your bait. We even told our friend to toast further and better, though we knew he was doing all the imaginable things to make you his. You'd claim you liked him too, "but there's just something that keeps me from going further with him." Agreed. A woman must be allowed her decisions. Occasionally, my friend would ask you what his chances looked like and you'd reply saying, "I can't say for now but let's see how things go." For eight months.

Very good. Very what? Very good.

Then luck shone on my friend. A Facebook friend he'd been chatting with irregularly uploaded a picture of a charity event at which she volunteered. From thereon, my friend caught the bug. They began talking, sharing life experiences, attending owambe with her click and his (us). Then came the Skype video chats during random office breaks, she would order cupcakes to be delivered to him at work. This happened twice or so. All this happened while my friend still believed he had a chance with the landlady, so much so that he told the new tenant about her. This tenant was supposed to be a friend to my friend and nothing more because he had his eyes on the old prize, but we knew better. About three months later or so, the new tenant took ill and had to be briefly hospitalized. My friend visited the tenant three times within the space of five days and it was during this period they shared their first kiss. Juju don finally catch am.

Life now looks better for my friend. He would narrate how the new landlady always insisted they went Dutch during outings, that is, they split bills most times. She had her own and didn't hesitate to take care of her own responsibilities. In fact, my friend would sometimes claim he felt incapacitated simply because the new landlady refused to let him spend his money and show that he's a man. Foolish man we would say. They're four months into their relationship now and have maturely settled scanty scuffles. New landlady also respects the association of friends; she even bribes us with delicious food (which I'd rather call otumokpo) because a man sometimes loses his senses after consuming a bowl of deadly weapons. New landlady don even engineer one fine babe for a good-for-nothing friend of ours, who surprisingly has been of good behavior since he got hooked. But I have my fears; craze dey quick worry the guy.

Finally finally. Old landlady is tired of seeing pictures and snap chat videos of her old investor and his new but highly profitable investment. She goes on a Twitter tirade about how "men are scum and thrash". She will be doing as if her head is not correct. Her friends who had been privy to the almost-love affair support the scum movement too. All of them, their head does not want to be correct. Then one of them launches an attack saying that all our friend didn't show enough signs and wonders. Somebody he toasted for about eight months in a land flowing with abundant milk and honey he had as alternative. Somebody that became Grand Patron of the Brother Zone. Then, you went as far as insulting us by saying our life is all about food. You lie! Lie kill you! In this Nigeria abi another one? Show me one Nigerian man that hates food and I'll show you an impotent man. Na who come this life come suffer?

You com burst my head finish dey talk sey, "if your friend still truly cares about her, let him show it." Person wey don already get babe? Wetin remain to show? Is like you people's head is really not correct. Which kain diabolical strategy be that one? Water and oyel no gree mix and you talk sey make them add am pepper. Kuku kill him.

Anyway, let me not just talk before they'll say I'm talking.🙄🌚🌚