TALES FROM THE EARLY MORNING BUS VI
CONDUCTOR: 'Balende... 'Balende
DRIVER: Se kia jare, awon LASTMA wà n beyen (do fast jare, LASTMA dey there)
CONDUCTOR: Oga fara weyrey e bale ka gbe passenger *mumbles* (Oga calm down with your madness and let's carry passenger...)
DRIVER: Iya e! Ojo to ba ma take care Iya fun mi...ma worry (Your mother! The day they'll take care of your mother for me. Don't worry.)
In this case, "take care" means "deal with"
******* about 5 minutes later *******
CONDUCTOR: I say I no get change, you carry one thousand gimme. I no go find change for anybody o
PASSENGER 1: why you dey shout for my head? No be money I give you?
PASSENGER 2: *triggered* But why are you shouting like a mad man this early morning?
CONDUCTOR: *faces passenger 2* O da bii pe weyrey wà lori e? (It's like there's madness in your head?) I follow you talk?
PASSENGER 3: *sizes the conductor up with an evil look* Stupid man
CONDUCTOR: Awon iyalaya e lo stupid (it's your mother's ancestors that are stupid)
PASSENGER 3: Idiot! Look at him. I don't blame you. One day, they'll teach you a lesson. Idiot bastard!
*** everyone burst out laughing on hearing "idiot bastard" ***
PASSENGER 1: Lekki wà o. Conductor, my change.
CONDUCTOR: **curses under his breathe** I no get change. Next time, you go enter motor with your change.
PASSENGER 1: Hmmm. I don dey look you since, you dey talk anyhow. If dem born you well, no gimme my change when I reach Lekki.
CONDUCTOR: *explodes...curses and threatens fire & brimstone*
At Lekki bus stop;
PASSENGER 1: *with a straight face* Wey my change?
CONDUCTOR: Oga I no get change. You no hear when .......
The conductor's expletives are interrupted by a thunderous slap to the left side of his face, prompting passers-by to refrain PASSENGER 1 from hitting him further.
CONDUCTOR: *opens his mouth to let out a cry but no sound comes out* ...few seconds later... owo lasan ko lo fi gba mi oo, o ti pa mi oo. Owo lasan ko o (he didn't slap me with ordinary hand oo, he has killed me o. It's not ordinary hand o)
He then proceeds to clutching his neck, his face, then holds his head with both hands as though he were stabilizing it. His face had now reddened, with visible fingerprints of his assaulter.
PASSENGER 3: una dey see am? My Juju don catch am for body. **laughs mischievously** E catch am well well. Abeg make dem beat am kill for me chop.
**other passengers burst out laughing again**
Till we got to Obalende, the conductor didn't utter a single word.
He didn't even call bus stops.
What a wonderful morning. 😂😂