1. Beans will never make you grow tall. You’ll only end up farting like a lunatic and possibly injure innocent people in the process.
2. Banana is not an ordinary fruit. People use it for different things so, please treat it with respect.
3. Marriage does not place you on a moral pedestal. That you’re married doesn’t mean you have more sense than single people.
4. Don’t fight with Lagos conductors unless you’re certain your life has no direction on that particular day.
5. Never in your life disrespect the greatness of pounded yam, regardless of where you come from. People have died for less.
6. Stop asking people to show you where to faint, what if you die there?
7. Pot belly is not a crime, but disgrace might come upon you when you start “lapping” your stomach in public.
8. In Nigeria, rats are king. They even have a history of ousting presidents from heavily-guarded buildings.
9. In the book of figures, zero is the greatest number. No need to shout, it’s not me you have a problem with. Just fight and tear your shirt after viewing your account balance.
10. If you don’t know your way around Lagos, you’re advised to ask a maximum of two people for direction. The third person will most likely direct you to a place that leads to Port Novo. E sure me die.
11. Poor people are the most sexually active. But if you come across a rich man that can fire cucumber and cassava anyhow, just know that he once fired carrots – yes, he was once poor.
12. Light-skinned people usually have more advantage over other complexions, but that doesn’t mean we all have sense anyway.
13. It doesn’t matter if you have DSTV in your house, busy body will still carry you to watch football at a nearby viewing centre just because you’re a stubborn goat that likes noise.
14. Slay mamas and papas will spend on everything except good deodorant and body sprays. That’s why they end up smelling like compost manure, cow dung and rotten egg.
15. If your voice is not loud, you can never ever win a roadside argument. They’ll use spit to replace your makeup and even kill you with the spit.
16. Never attend a party without eating at home. Party wey food no plenty, na hunger go naked you last last. You this thief!
17. The most easily-attainable titles are Doctor, Chairman, Pastor and Honourable – even though many of them turn out to be fraudulent.
18. There is only one Chicken Peri Peri a.k.a Sugar Banana a.k.a. Chicken Potato and that is me, the author of this post. Contest these titles at your own peril.
19. Stop telling people to come and beat you following an argument. One day, one day, they’ll beat stupid and bastard out of your body.
20. I’d have stopped at 19 but this is Nigeria where everything must be complete. So, you’ve just wasted your time reading this nonsense number 20.
Come and beat me!