TALES FROM THE EARLY MORNING BUS

************** CONDUCTOR: Sand field, Law School, CMS! Sand field, Law School, CMS!! DRIVER: **shouts at the cond...




**************

CONDUCTOR: Sand field, Law School, CMS! Sand field, Law School, CMS!!

DRIVER: **shouts at the conductor** Weyrey awon LASTMA wà leyin wà o, instead ko watch, o n pe ero weyrey (Mad man! LASTMA officers are behind us o. Instead of you to "watch", you're calling mad passengers)

CONDUCTOR: Weyrey lawon people yen sha. Your side! your side! (Those people are mad sha. Your side, your side - which colloquially means "zoom off, zoom off")

**Few minutes later**

CONDUCTOR: Yes sir, your money.

PASSENGER 1: Conductor I'm not comfortable here. Please tell them to shift.

CONDUCTOR: Abeg help am shift for there. Na four four.

PASSENGER 1: Please help me shift

PASSENGERS ON THE SAME ROW: **each person moves slightly, barely making any room for the new passenger**

PASSENGER 1: Please, you people should shift for goodness sake. What's all this?

PASSENGER 2 (sitting by the window): Oga please stop shouting. We're not small children here. This is a commercial vehicle. Mtchewwww.

PASSENGER 3 (second row): Abi oo

PASSENGER 1: **frowns at passenger 3, then turns to face passenger 2** You're a very stupid fellow.

PASSENGER 2: And you must be a stupid idiot for that statement

PASSENGER 4 (second row): Gentlemen, please it's okay. No need for all this.

PASSENGER 2: Can you just imagine this useless man? Talking to me anyhow...for what?

PASSENGER 1: But you insulted me first because I asked you to shift. Are you the owner of the bus?

PASSENGER 2: You lack common courtesy.

PASSENGER 1: Common courtesy for an armed robber like you? Who the hell are you?!

PASSENGER 4: Ah!

PASSENGER 2: **looks around the bus** Can you just imagine this stupid idiot? Look at this houseboy! Because sey you wear suit?

DRIVER: Ahh Iru ero oriburuku wo ni mo wa gbe laaro kutukutu bayi? (What kind of unfortunate people did I carry this early morning like this?)

PASSENGER 1: **faces driver** Awon wo l'ero oriburuku? Abi o fe sare s'ofo nisin sin? (Who are the unfortunate people? Abi you want to quickly become hopeless now now?

DRIVER: E ma Binu (don't be angry)

**nearly everyone in the bus burst out laughing**

CONDUCTOR: Bonny Camp?

PASSENGER 2: O wa o! Give me my 100 naira change

CONDUCTOR: Oga I no get change o. I go join una

PASSENGER 2: Join una wetin? Abeg give me my change!

**at Bonny Camp Bus Stop**

**both passengers 1 & 2 get off the bus**

CONDUCTOR: Take, give am 100 naira....

PASSENGER 1: What do you mean?

CONDUCTOR: Your side!!!

**other passengers erupt again**

*****************

I looked back from inside the bus to take a final look at both men, projecting a violent escalation of the existing conflict or an amicable agreement to split the change.

Then I turned back at the conductor and saw a man liable of potentiating violence or totally deserving of a Nobel Peace Prize.

Honestly, this Lagos cannot contain all of us.
😂

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