TALES FROM THE EARLY MORNING BUS
CONDUCTOR: Sand field, Law School, CMS! Sand field, Law School, CMS!!
DRIVER: **shouts at the conductor** Weyrey awon LASTMA wà leyin wà o, instead ko watch, o n pe ero weyrey (Mad man! LASTMA officers are behind us o. Instead of you to "watch", you're calling mad passengers)
CONDUCTOR: Weyrey lawon people yen sha. Your side! your side! (Those people are mad sha. Your side, your side - which colloquially means "zoom off, zoom off")
**Few minutes later**
CONDUCTOR: Yes sir, your money.
PASSENGER 1: Conductor I'm not comfortable here. Please tell them to shift.
CONDUCTOR: Abeg help am shift for there. Na four four.
PASSENGER 1: Please help me shift
PASSENGERS ON THE SAME ROW: **each person moves slightly, barely making any room for the new passenger**
PASSENGER 1: Please, you people should shift for goodness sake. What's all this?
PASSENGER 2 (sitting by the window): Oga please stop shouting. We're not small children here. This is a commercial vehicle. Mtchewwww.
PASSENGER 3 (second row): Abi oo
PASSENGER 1: **frowns at passenger 3, then turns to face passenger 2** You're a very stupid fellow.
PASSENGER 2: And you must be a stupid idiot for that statement
PASSENGER 4 (second row): Gentlemen, please it's okay. No need for all this.
PASSENGER 2: Can you just imagine this useless man? Talking to me anyhow...for what?
PASSENGER 1: But you insulted me first because I asked you to shift. Are you the owner of the bus?
PASSENGER 2: You lack common courtesy.
PASSENGER 1: Common courtesy for an armed robber like you? Who the hell are you?!
PASSENGER 4: Ah!
PASSENGER 2: **looks around the bus** Can you just imagine this stupid idiot? Look at this houseboy! Because sey you wear suit?
DRIVER: Ahh Iru ero oriburuku wo ni mo wa gbe laaro kutukutu bayi? (What kind of unfortunate people did I carry this early morning like this?)
PASSENGER 1: **faces driver** Awon wo l'ero oriburuku? Abi o fe sare s'ofo nisin sin? (Who are the unfortunate people? Abi you want to quickly become hopeless now now?
DRIVER: E ma Binu (don't be angry)
**nearly everyone in the bus burst out laughing**
CONDUCTOR: Bonny Camp?
PASSENGER 2: O wa o! Give me my 100 naira change
CONDUCTOR: Oga I no get change o. I go join una
PASSENGER 2: Join una wetin? Abeg give me my change!
**at Bonny Camp Bus Stop**
**both passengers 1 & 2 get off the bus**
CONDUCTOR: Take, give am 100 naira....
PASSENGER 1: What do you mean?
CONDUCTOR: Your side!!!
**other passengers erupt again**
I looked back from inside the bus to take a final look at both men, projecting a violent escalation of the existing conflict or an amicable agreement to split the change.
Then I turned back at the conductor and saw a man liable of potentiating violence or totally deserving of a Nobel Peace Prize.
Honestly, this Lagos cannot contain all of us. 😂