The best way to describe living
with African parents is that it is a constant push and pull between modern
American ways and conservative Religious values; it’s safe to assume that you
already know where my Nigerian parents stand. My parents and I are immigrants
from Nigeria. We were all born in Nigeria, but they lived up to adulthood there
while I was brought to America at a very early age. Of course, since they have
spent their upbringing in Nigeria, they hold on to a lot of views they have
acquired since childhood— views on relationships, family roles, and religion,
whatever you can think of.
I came to
America as a toddler and from early on I was exposed to a different way of
life. This didn’t stop my parents though from imposing on me traditional views,
which weren’t all bad. Some imposed views like Christianity and respect for
elders I appreciate, especially in a society like America that can distort
these values. However, some of my parents’ conservative views clash with my
more modern ones. Here are just a few views: clothes, hair, American culture,
and independence. Let me explain more in details.
At a time,
my parents could dress me in whatever and I wouldn’t complain. A hundred
percent of the time was because I didn’t care, but now I am grown (I humbly
say) and clothes have significance to me, wearing a bad outfit could kill my
mood. My mother is a fashionable person in her own unique way, but her style is very different from mine. Just
because she likes something, doesn’t mean that I will like it. Just because she
buys it before consulting me, that still doesn’t mean I will like it, though
sometimes I have to wear it. My mother and I have had many arguments in the
past over her shopping for me. I simply pleaded, “Don’t do it anymore, let me
shop myself” and I was accused of being disrespectful and unappreciative. But
times are different; back then, your parents gave you what they could afford
and that was that; but now, if we are fortunate to have options, let’s use them.
Oddly
enough, hair is something that has been fought over in the past for reasons on
how to style it, cut it, or maintain it. Now these aren’t just little
disagreements; my mother and I have had full-blown screaming arguments on what
I choose to do with my hair. Both my parents are so invested in what I do and
how I do my hair and I do not know why. Why does it matter whether or not I
braid my hair? Or cut it? Or want to do a certain style? I’m not talking about
doing something drastic like buzz cut or Mohawk, but prepping to talk to my
mother about doing my hair feels like prepping for a business presentation. Why
do I need to even prep for it? It’s hair! I move on…
In plenty
of arguments with my parents, one of them says, “It is the American culture. If
you were raised in Nigeria, you wouldn’t say this or do this…” First of all, I
don’t understand what saying this adds to the argument. So if I was in Nigeria,
maybe we wouldn’t have certain arguments, but how does that change the present
or the problems we have now? My parents and I have had plenty of arguments
about communication because I see a lack of it, especially for emotional
problems. If you upset me, I should be able to talk to you about it. Now, I
don't mean if you scold me and I’m angry with you— I mean talking about times
when you have deeply hurt me and you failed to see that. So if communication is
an American culture thing, I’m grateful I wasn’t raised in Nigeria. I have
heard people say African parents believe they are never wrong, but this
seemingly funny saying has deep effects. How are we supposed to grow in
relationships if they can never admit to your faults? Of course, there are
plenty of times when I am wrong and I need scolding for that, but what about
when they are wrong? And if you try to tell them this, you are considered
disrespectful.
Another
issue is independence. Yes, that desire probably is an effect of living in the
land of the free, but I’m not talking about prodigal son-kind of independence.
Independence like “hey, I’m a teenager, I like to hang out with friends and
explore places.” I do not just want to sit at home all day. Of course I know my
safety is their utmost concern and I understand my mother’s words, “Everywhere
they [friends] call you isn’t where you need to go” about going to different
places. But what about going to concerts or simply going over to a friend’s
house? I understand the strictness when I was in younger, but I hope they ease
up a bit.
Do not get
me wrong, I love my parents, I am happy that they raised me the way they did or
else I wouldn’t be the person I am today, but I do get frustrated with their
old ways of parenting sometimes. I do understand that I may come off as
ungrateful since my parents are only doing these things out of their best
interest, but it is from their point of view. I appreciate my parents and hope
that they will be more aware of the changing world.
-Anonymous